All Is Shattered

All Is Shattered. . . I haven't been truly this unhappy, and lost in a long time. Well maybe, but not like this. Not this gut wrenching pain. Just my luck I say; or as my friend says, blame it on the mercury retrograde. Either way, I went from being the giddiest, happiest, girl on cloud 9 to feeling like I can't achieve anything & just wanting to give up. I keep on trucking though, praying something turns around soon. The last two weeks have been so back on forth, I basically have whiplash at this point. I've learned so many lessons in such a short period of time- man your 20s are killer, you never stop learning stuff about yourself, people, and decisions.

In the course of two weeks, I went from dating James. Excited about our next date. Work on the other hand had just started killing me to a point, where I was on the brink of self destruction, only holding on by threads of James keeping me together & blessed about just getting back from Italy. On my worst day ever Tuesday July 25th, I went to my mangers meeting & work with tear stained cheeks. The day got even worse when James had to cancel on our Thursday date. All felt lost then, but that was only the beginning. The next day turned into the happiest day in my life, where I had never had that sort of click, giddy girl, cloud 9, cheesin' moment in such a long time, it makes my knees go weak just thinking about. Zach entered at stage right. He had texted me earlier that week, at the time I could of cared less. This guy had blown me off, cancelled, flaked, no showed so many times. So unreliable, he was history. Then of course he had to pop out of the depths. He said he wanted to take me out *eyeroll* yeah yeah sure. *shrugs shoulders* sure I guess. Basically talking to him was like talking to a changed man, The Flakey Jake, had set aside his old ways, and was "looking for a gf", and wanted me to be the girl? I was stunned. he wanted to date me "the right way". Yeah ok, it thrilled me to hear something in life finally heading in the right direction. I was like cool, I'm going to start dating someone who's looking for the same outcome. Hanging out with his was amazing, it was the thing I looked forward to the most in the day, I was smiling more, work was easier to get through while I was still on the job hunt. Each time we hung out, he told me to open up more, and you could tell he wanted to let my walls down. So I did, slowly but surely, they where coming down.Hanging out with him and doing so, made me realize I had more walls up than I knew. My heart was the princess locked in a tower, waiting for her prince to knock them all down and eventually rescue her from her time, in hidden solitude.

Wednesday July 3rd, was where things took a turn. Since us still hanging out was still fresh and new, and getting comfortable with someone new, can be so hard and awkward at times. Especially sex wise. Since later that night, I all the sudden became so awkward, and felt in a little insecure, and very nervous. Though, I also felt that the sex felt a little forced. I wasn't even dying to hook up, and I rather have had it like a previous night of fond chemistry. But no it did not go that way at all. Which was fine, because having sex with someone new can be a bit of a challenge, of trial and error. Trying to figure out what each other likes, and yada yada. The night resolved itself and ended fine. Not the best of the nights we had spent together, but expected when you first start hanging out with someone, because things can't be perfect all the time.

Thursday July 4th. The Day. I had been looking forward to this day, since Zach said don't make any 4th of July plans, I have a few ideas up my sleeve. So I didn't; because of course I wanted to spend it with him. That morning on July 4th, I woke up in his arms wrapped around me, tangled in each other and the sheets, a place I had grown to enjoy so much, a place I had told him was the best way to sleep and was nearly impossible to get a good one these days in my bed at home, alone. He pried that one of me. It wasn't a bad sight at all, waking up to his face. lol If he read that he'd give me so much shit, not that terrible, really? We had only spent a week together, but I was already picking up on all his little quirks. We got coffee and planned the night ahead. At work I was so giddy. He told me he'd be there around 7:30 or earlier to surprise me and hangout with me till I got off of work. Hours and Hours inching closer to when I got to see him, and the anticipation was killing me. Then it was time, he wasn't there, I waited and waited. . .  and waited . . . So much time I had past and my heart was in my stomach. Where were you? I texted and called no answer. In the time we hung out I gave you so much shit jokingly if you were going to flake on me again, and you'd always reassure me that it would never occur. But here we were on 4th of July. I talked to one of my best friends/ co worker, asking her what I should do, because I had assumed he had fallen asleep- because he was pretty tired this morning when we woke up, said he was going to the gym and to a family bbq, so maybe he passed out? She told me to go over there. I was scared; but he did tell me once before, that I could come over and fall asleep in his bed whenever I'd like, at anytime of the night. So with that knowledge I assumed it wouldn't be too out of the blue of me to show up. If he had never told me that, I would of never went.

When I got my uber to his house, so many thoughts crossed my mind. I thought to myself, if he's asleep, I'll just stay and sleep over. If he's awake and doesn't feel like doing anything anymore, than we can stay in and watch a movie, or I could go to the party I was invited to without him and just meet up with Cortney. He was home. I knocked, and noticed lights on in his room. I got excited; but still extremely nervous. It got worse and worse, I knocked and called him out for not answering the door because he was awake and was ignoring me- it broke my heart. How could this guy who told me to open up be shutting me out like this? He finally came out. He was silent, looking down at the ground. He quietly threw out statements like maybe I'm not as ready for a relationship as I thought I was, because I haven't been in one for awhile. My mind was confused thinking to myself, we were never in one. Was he already psyching himself out? Then he said he got super fucked up, that he drank too much  at his family bbq and couldn't physically drive. Soon after he started dry heaving, I could tell he was intoxicated. I told him, "You know you could of called and told me." He told me he felt really dumb. I briefly remember throwing out wows and angry questions like you were just going to leave me there waiting? Do you even like me? Which he responded he did. He sat there and said we'll hangout again I promise, now go to your party with your friend and go have fun. So I did. Well tried to at least. But of course knowing me, sadness, intense emotions, and alcohol all end the same way. Me crying, yelling, and making a fool of myself.

The Aftermath. The next day was the hardest. I woke up at 6am on Cortney's couch, and laid there looking up at the ceiling, wishing I could fall back asleep, but the pain in my chest, was unlike any I had felt in a long time. I tried to recall a past event when I had felt like this, but couldn't because I had already numbed all those memories, so they wouldn't quietly stab me in the heart when I wasn't aware. The pain flooded everything, and I was a slave to it. So I quickly called an uber so I could get the hell out there. In my uber ride I vented *eyeroll* and felt like I was a contestant on The Bachelor who was being sent home, and now sitting in the black suv talking to the camera. Yeah, that was me in the moment. When I got home, I quickly changed out of my 4th of July outfit, and into something comfortable. I sat on my bed, falling apart in silence, messaging and calling all my best friends to see who would pick up so I wouldn't be alone with my thoughts. One eventually did, and gave me the comfort I needed to try and get out of my funk.

This post is titled all is shattered because, it is not only about a boy who stabbed me in a heart that had been protected and numb for so long; that even small acts of vengeance and kind compliments couldn't penetrate. Till him.  Yes this stab was all apart of a master plan. These days it doesn't feel like God is writing my fate, but the devil. I know it's bleak to think, I know I truly don't believe this, but I know when I eventually come out on top, God will tell me like he always have, look what you have overcome, now get ready for the blessings. On top of boys breaking my hearts, my job depresses me more than the stab wound. Nearly unfathomable right? How could it get any worse? But it can; and it has. It eats me alive everyday, that boy was just a small glimmer of hope, in a dark world. It feels like all hope is lost, and I fight my demons every day, still trucking along; honestly at this point I don't know I'm still alive, not just from the amount of pain and lack luster of life, but how much stress I've put on myself these last three weeks. Though shout out to all my friends, that I've been leaning on so much lately, thank you for putting up with my bullshit, and keep me going strong, because our moments together are the only things keeping me going these days.

In the midst of all the depression, drama, heartbreak, and betrayal of friends and lovers; there is still the stress of what the next chapter will hold? Where am I going to take myself-and will I jump? It will be scary and new, but it could potentially be the best choice of my life, and I'm over here looking at it 50/50. Let me clarify: Since I've been applying to so many Bay Area jobs, if I get one, will I move there? Or should I just stay in Stockton? For so long all I wanted to do was get the hell out of here, but now I've created so many strong friendships that moving along without them would probably break my heart more than that boy did. (also I'm not referencing him breaking my heart as if I loved him, but he allowed me to let walls down, and when he did what he did, it broke my heart that I opened up like that to someone who dipped out so fast) I know I would potentially be able to get through it; but big city, and lonely girl. It sounds like a scary adventure to embark. Even the funny thing is me thinking I'll leave behind George. Yes, him. No I haven't forgotten about him, but after all these fresh stab wounds, and unhappiness, he's right there not helping this situation. Even with all the  times we've stabbed each other, the back and forth;  that even the new disappointments between us don't phase me, because I'm used to it by now. No love from him, I'm used to it by now. Yeah the small glimpses of hope that maybe it could be something, always get passed up, because The Hard life comes in and steals it all away. I wonder if I ever moved, if he would even care. Anyway, back to what I was saying. Moving. Apart of me is like do it, it could be something great, scary but great. Maybe you would find the one your hearts been longing for. The other part of me says stay here, find a job here, move into a small place around Miracle Mile and maybe the one will walk in and you weren't aware that he was there in that small town the whole time. My adventurous self says go. I guess the percentage is more 70/30. This is the scary thought that is in my head right there with the I hate my job life.

When Zach and I were hanging out, I didn't think about moving to SF, I thought if this could bloom into something real and lasting, I guess I would just stay here. An old thought has just crossed my mind, to before. When even before Steffan, I dreamt of owning and decorating a house in a city- San Francisco, New York, and for a brief moment Chicago. Where has that girl gone, the one who longed for the city life. Maybe I'll find her in this journey.

Once I was like a beautiful, gold, ornate mirror, but something over time had shattered me into pieces. What a waste, someone would say. The sharp shards of my broken life now lay on the floor. My ideas for my t shirt brand and Rolling Loud, are my positives that keep me going, along with my bestest friends of course. These positives keep me thinking that maybe someway, somehow I f I makes these dreams into reality something big could happen. Man, thinking back to last week, that was the kiss of death. I wasn't in the best of shape, but last week really tore me open. Obviously, because this post wouldn't have been written, the 4th of July triggered something in me, to fall apart more . . .

So far you have read about jobs and love, but hmmm B didn't you say something about betrayal of friends? Yup. On top on all this lovely stuff I've been explaining, the bad friends are right in there. Of course I couldn't leave them out of this tale, could I? First off there's Dakota, one of the best friends who has been around for the longest, since senior year to be exact; yes we've had falling outs along the way and somehow always made it back to each other. At age 21 is where his story to the end of our friendship began, that's where he met Pearl, she's everywhere amongst every bar scene. The start of such a good life, at such a good age, Pearl sucked him in. He gave up everything to her. He even chose her over our friendship. I'm not as wounded as one reading this post would think, but years of endless disappointments and seeing him throw his life away, even when your right there trying your hardest, can get old. On top of Dakota there's co worker friends, who proved to be one way, but are obviously fake, people pleasers who want to pose for the gram. Well I like to assure you then I'm out. I want deep friendships, that mean more than pictures on social media and are only there for the party scene. So my circle is smaller, but the smaller the better. And now I know I can truly trust everyone in it. Yeah well have our moments, because everyone isn't perfect, but I know who I have to lean on through my bad times. This post could go on forever, but I'm going to end it here. I don't know when my next post will come, or what it will be about, hopefully something not so morbid. This post defiantly helped me out emotionally more, so maybe I'll be writing more. Let some weight off my soul.

Yours Truly, B.

Spectacular Now: G- Eazy